RELIGIOUS CULT? ELEMENTARY!

Recently, Claude's husband Jack showed me an article in the news. A woman was allowed to have her driver's license photo taken with a colander on her head.

 

 

Apparently, she is a “Pastaferian”, a member of The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 

 

This isn't just a domestic “religion”but appears to have international members, if the licenses are any indication.

“What fresh Hell is this?” you may ask. It is the “spirit” of political correctness running willy-nilly over our sense of reality and common sense.

Rather than sit in judgment, Jack suggested that we develop our own cult, complete with specialized head wear and beliefs.

 

People should learn not to give my mind such tasks. It distracts from the writing of articles I have promised my Editor. Alas, it has run amuck (yes – sing it – amuck, amuck, amuck, amuck) and so, I am leaving the Wiccan faith in order to follow my true spiritual and intellectual path:

 

Introducing a new religious community in Monroe Township, NJ:

THE HOLY TEMPLE OF DIVINE DEDUCTIONISM

We believe in the following tenants of Faith:

Sherlock Holmes is our Master

Logical Deduction is our Creed

Dr. John H. Watson is our first Prophet

Mycroft Holmes is our first High Priest

Our Cannon is “The” Cannon, with 56 sermons and 4 sacred gospels according to Doyle.

Our first commandment:

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth

Our second commandment:

'There is nothing like first-hand evidence.'

We are a three degree belief system, requiring religious head gear to mark our passage through doctrine and wisdom.

 

The head wear of the first degree, the neophyte:

 

Because you know nothing and will look like a fool.

The second degree head gear:

“Doctor Wattage” - smart enough to be a conductor of light, but not enough to be a full deductionist.

The third degree hear gear:

 

The blessed deerstalker of all knowledge, which allows the believer to assume the title of “Consultant”

 

There is one higher degree..part of the Holy Mycroftian Priesthood. It is called “Aluminum-nati” with the following head gear:

All holy days of obligation shall be held in a spot known only to the brethren of Deductionism…in short, whomever has the most room. Services will always take place in the “realm of Baker Street” created by the High Priest when casting a “cone of consultation”. He/She shall do so with the “wand of the Elder Holmes”, hereafter to be called “The Holy Brolly”.

 

The Cone of Consultation will always be sealed with the following chant:

HP: The game is afoot

All: Blessed be the game.

HP: The Holmes be with you.

All: And with your Watson.

HP: Let us now sit and deduce.

All: It is Elementary that we suss out this day.

 

The four directions should also be honored. In the East, the Watchtower of Hudson is the Earth, for she is maternal and bakes a lot. In the South, the Watchtower of Lestrade, is the fire. Let's face it: he's hot. In the West is the Watchtower of Hooper, the wind. Well, she is a bit airy-fairy. Finally, in the North is the Watchtower of Anderson, the Water. (I know, but I needed another male figure and frankly, as a copper, he's all washed up.)

Every service is required to include a cuppa-and-biscuit ritual, but not an actual feast, as that is all transport. The tea shall be Earl Gray, and contain a 7% solution of whole milk (or a whole solution of 2% milk, which shall be henceforth called “a cup of milk”, allowed for family members under 5 years of age). The biscuits should be Jammie Dodgers. Just sayin'.

The service shall always end with the following:

HP: The spirit of Holmes be with you

All: And with your Irregulars, Homeless Network, and Yarders

HP: The service is ended. Go incognito.

All: Ya think? No sh*t, Sherlock!

Brethren of all degrees shall greet each other in the following manner:

The proper response is a cold glare, or a clipped, “Fine”.

The following are the holy days of obligation:

 

January 6^th, the feast of the birth of Sherlock

August 7^th, the feast of the birth of John

May 22^nd, birth of Doyle, the Scribe

July 1^st, birth of Lady Katharine of Buckelew

(I make-a the game, so I make-a the rules)

 

Beyond the Holy Brolly, there is only one other sacred tool, the “Instrument of Scrying”:

The Three Degrees shall wear the following ritual garb:

 

1^st Degree: the tartan of tentative learning:

2^nd Degree: the blue robe of enlightenment:

3^rd Degree, the red robe of consulting:

All those wishing to be considered for the Brethren shall wear the sheet of seekership:

The Holy Mycroftian Priesthood shall wear Westwood.

Collections shall be taken up each service, if only to see if the Brethren can tithe enough to order Chinese take-away for those assembled (provided there are no active “cases” . If there are, the “it's all transport” rule applies.)

 

“Cases” shall fall into the following discussion categories:

Interesting unsolved murders via Nancy Grace

International criminal actives as seen on CNN

Mischief as reported by the local news

Cluedo – if it's been a slow week

Once a month, the High Priest will conduct the “Initiation of the Dead”. Any of the Brethren can bring forth the name of a deceased friend or family member, and they shall be initiated into the Temple by proxy. Henceforth, those individuals who were not Sherlockians or Holmesians in life will become, in death, members of the Temple, and a Baker Street Irregular scion here named “The Must-in-Grave Ritual League”.

Other religious practices and observance will be delineated once our Temple charter (and tax free status) is approved by the state.

“Where there is no imagination, there is no horror”

so...

..”Put on your clothes and come!”

Oh!...gee...Were you expecting me to do something about Thanksgiving and all that?  Huh...OK. Here you go. ..

 

(HP: The Body of Sherlock?
ALL: Bite me!)

 

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE...AND MAY THE HOLMES BE WITH YOU!