It's been a while since my last entry. I can't say it's because I'm so busy... I'm home bound for a while. How busy can I be? I think I was drained by the financial pressures. Plus, I had to complete a Social Security form comparing what I use to do with what I can do now.
That's when the defecation hit the cooling unit.
Everything landed on me like a juggler missing a mark – fire batons, Indian clubs, electric saws and hackey sacks (figuratively) rained from the heavens in the form of financial crises, potential amputation, loss of employment, sibling tension (my brother yelled at me. First time in my life. I was heart broken), cabin fever and loneliness.
It got better. My old house sold two weeks ago. (I drove by last week, and they had dug up all my bushes and flowers. A word of advice: if you leave a place, never look back). So far, I've paid off my mortgage, my medical bills, and a good portion of my credit cards. I will soon be broke, but debt free.
My aman cara, Claude, will be moving into the village by the end of the month. That will be fantastic.
The past few months has given me a lot of time to think about who I really am, what is real about myself and what I just assumed. I've come to realize that I am not as dominant a personality as I once thought. When it comes to the Craft or teaching, I am an alpha female. In relationships, I depend a lot on the strength of others for soothing and comfort. I was raised not to expect that. My mother would frequently tell me as a child, “Keep being who you are and no one will love you.” I guess that's why it's a constant shock and emotional roller coaster when people actually do. It's harder, still, to trust those emotions in others, but the process has now begun.
Also, Claude has reminded me recently that you have to have faith and state clearly your needs – work with the Divine within you and in the universe at large. It's been successful in both big and small things. One hospital's tests showed osteomyelitis and a foot abscess. By the time I got to Aria Health, all the tests were negative. There was no blood clot, the infection I later developed in my foot cleared up in three days. Time after time, when I relied on the power of God/Goddess , the answers came.
And, just recently, someone who whom I thought I had an immediate bound finally called. I had asked to have clarity regarding his interest. (I'm rusty at romance, but I could have sworn he was flirting with me. At least I now know I wasn't delusional!)
Talk about an incentive to keep loosing weight and get my health issues handled. The most comforting thing is this: he has seen me at my worse: tacky hospital gown, unkempt hair, no make-up, feeling like a bloated, crippled tick... and the man was still interested. Obviously he was attracted to more than a “pretty face”. (I am internally laughing my arse off right now.) No matter what happens, it will be nice to have another friend.
So, when the stress and the problems and the challenges weld up, I've learned to hold on tight, ask for help if truly needed, and do the best I can, day by day. Listen to the still, small voice of creation and believe in love. Perhaps soon, I can get back to my Circle.
Yeah - more like that....
My external fixator comes off on the 26th of June. Fingers crossed the bones have fused.
In the mean time, my Sherlock novel, “Journeys End”, is being read by trusted friends and editors to catch obvious mistakes, obscure references, continuity problems and the like. While that is in the works, I still owe Fate Magazine 2 pieces, and will be working on yet another one for Circle Magazine. I need to stay busy. I even promised to do a lecture at Para-X this year. It's being advertised in Weird New Jersey, and will feature a Victorian séance in the evening. I'll be posting more on that as the date draws near.
Oh! And speaking of things Sherlock - Season 2 is available on DVD. It includes the minutes shaved off the Masterpiece Theater version. For those of you who took an interest in Undershaw, Arthur Conan Doyle's home, it HAS been saved from being made into housing units. Now if we could only get the money together to restore it!
Keep the prayers and good thoughts coming, dear folks. Every little bit helps!