Friday, May 24, 2013

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor

Since I spend a lot of time housebound, I get to see a lot of television. It follows, as night follows the day, that I am exposed not only to the vast cultural wasteland that is the telly, but also the commercials that support it. I have finally gotten to such a saturation point that I must speak out regarding several genres and individual advertisements.

  1. Thank you, lawyers of various description, for your quick, minute long proclamations of gloom and disease during daytime programing. You get points for cleverness by assuming those of us watching, and becoming one with the sofa, are there for a reason: we are old, injured, out-of-work and/or desperate for cash. Telling us that fairly common medications are currently ruining our bladders, kidneys, thyroids etc., and that we “might have a case” is sure to invoke a new client or two. It could also cause those so medicated to stop taking the pills that keep them upright, breathing, and watching your spots. Ho-hum, not your problem, I suppose.
    However, you all loose a point for the consistent wording of your ads. “If you, or a loved one, took XYZ, and suffered this, that, the-other-thing, or death...” Hey, what do you know? I'm dead. I'll contact a Ouija board? I mean, REALLY. We all hear it, we all mock it, find someone who can phrase this thought properly.

  1. Nicely done, Mother Agency. You've given Optimum a winning commercial by pleading with us not to call Michael Bolton. You first show us their number, then Michael's with a one digit difference. You beg us to leave him alone. You know damn right well we're idiots. I knew it was a set up, and even I called. Tried and true gimmick, but effective. BTW: If any of you now decide to give the number a try, Michael's jokes are not that'll see...

  1. Thank you, Comcast Business phone, for removing the commercial in which various business owners complain about their old carriers. No one wants to face rising rates, and you would obviously wish to target the professional level of business financial controllers to inform them of the savings you provide... professionals like the young woman who looked directly into the camera and declared, “We was wasting money”. Gee, was we? Here's hoping your math ability far outstrips your verbal skills.
Dear postal service: You remember this commercial?

        Never, EVER run this thing again. I will have to hurt you.

            5) Finally, there is this current advertisement from Thompson's:


  I know you men like to protect your wood, especially your hard wood, but this takes the cake. No one you auditioned for voice-over work could pronounce “deck”? Really? It's nice to know that an application of water seal makes sure your “dick” stays beautiful.

Good for you, gentlemen.

I also find myself spending too much time on the computer. Recently, I've been flooded with weird e-mails regarding my various “names”. For instance, the following chart allows you to discover your Werewolf name.

click on this image to make it bigger

Mine is Scarlet Hound. As a ginger, this is pretty spot on, except..I sound like the pack strumpet. By going to Google and typing “ Your Hobbit name, Your Pagan name, Your Witch name, Your Elf name etc.” you can find out an awful lot about yourself. For instance, my Hobbit name is Autumn Moss of Lake-By-Downs. Humm. I like that. My elf name is Isil Vardamir. Are there Russian elves?


My Pagan name is: Brigit Epona Maeve. (OK, that was a little close for comfort, as anyone who knows my Craft name will tell you.) Another name generator says it's “Morning Bird”. My Fairy name is Feather Snowwand.

Finally, my witch name? It's: Noreen Wormcackler. (The witch/wizard generator says it's Ashlyntear. I like that.) Lovely. How does one cackle worms?

Try it for yourselves. Have a little fun, this holiday.

Remember the troops that serve us, have served, and all those who made the ultimate sacrifice. Bless you all, and thanks.

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